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The muse is upon me
Nov. 9th, 2003 05:30 pmWell, again, ready to write a novella of an entry.
I am extremely angry at my friend K, from NYC. I asked for him to keep me company as I went to my office to pick up my paycheck, and he kept making lame excuses... like "I'm sore." This is why I don't like to ask my friends for help, so I don't get excuses like that one.
Last night Befers, her boyfriend, and another friend, E, came to visit. It was nice to see them. I was hesitant at first because I'm in this mix of needing to be social but then being too tired and too depressed to be social... The bar-raising guy from the previous postings (I really need a good LJ nickname for him) happened to be in my neighborhood also, out with some of his friends. He invited me out, after my friends had left my house. I was hesitant about that too -- not only because I felt weird meeting his friends, but also because it would be yet another hour that I would be away from my mother.
My mother was asleep, and I got dressed it my "going out" clothes, did my make up, and felt really good actually moving around. I haven't actually gotten dressed in a while. I have lost my desire to do anything.
My day usually consists of:
Waking
Getting online
Moving my car
Staying online
Staying online
maybe food
Still online
A bathroom break or two
dinner eventually
Still online
Bed
Occasionally I get an Rx for my mom, or some groceries. Get the mail. It's ever so exciting. I feel weird admitted I may be turning into a hermit. A hospice social worker asked me who I have here to help me out, and I thought I had a handful of people... turns out I only have one, maybe two.
To conclude, I went out to the lounge to meet the guy, had a good time, the malibu and coke's were very nice, and it was all good. He's very supportive of me, and just like all my DE "peeps" are willing to be there for me. He lost his father the same year I lost mine, so he can really sympathize with me.
Anyway...
I had a weird dream a few nights ago. And it is not attributed to pudding pops.
It took place in my apt in NYC, but the layout was different. My father was in my dream, he wasn't resurrected, even though I knew he was dead, it just seemed completely natural for him to be there. In my apt, we have a backyard - it's more like a back-jungle. It is way overgrown, we should have flagstone pathways, but it's just an ocean of ivy. The evergreens that were planted there 25 years ago, are now almost 4 stories tall, but they are very thin, not full. Looks a little decrepid, honestly. And, most importantly, our fence, which separates our backyard from the backyard of the apartment building next to us, has fallen.
In my dream, my father went out back and pushed the fence upright, and it fixed everything. The backyard was then HUGE, rolling green fields, and the sun shone on the grass, and it got warm, and it was amazing. There was also a new addition to my backyard - apparantly an offshoot of the main ground, we had a small dining area that was surrounded by 2 neighbors houses (somehow we were now living in a country area, not in the city) and I met my neighbors. It was time to fix the pipes, and I turned to my mother, and asked her what we should do, if I sound get the same plumber as our neighbors, so he could coordinate... it was odd.
Then of course, on my walk through our huge backyard, I noticed there was an entrance to a dungeon halfway down on the right side.
Sigh. Back to my uneventful day.
I am extremely angry at my friend K, from NYC. I asked for him to keep me company as I went to my office to pick up my paycheck, and he kept making lame excuses... like "I'm sore." This is why I don't like to ask my friends for help, so I don't get excuses like that one.
Last night Befers, her boyfriend, and another friend, E, came to visit. It was nice to see them. I was hesitant at first because I'm in this mix of needing to be social but then being too tired and too depressed to be social... The bar-raising guy from the previous postings (I really need a good LJ nickname for him) happened to be in my neighborhood also, out with some of his friends. He invited me out, after my friends had left my house. I was hesitant about that too -- not only because I felt weird meeting his friends, but also because it would be yet another hour that I would be away from my mother.
My mother was asleep, and I got dressed it my "going out" clothes, did my make up, and felt really good actually moving around. I haven't actually gotten dressed in a while. I have lost my desire to do anything.
My day usually consists of:
Waking
Getting online
Moving my car
Staying online
Staying online
maybe food
Still online
A bathroom break or two
dinner eventually
Still online
Bed
Occasionally I get an Rx for my mom, or some groceries. Get the mail. It's ever so exciting. I feel weird admitted I may be turning into a hermit. A hospice social worker asked me who I have here to help me out, and I thought I had a handful of people... turns out I only have one, maybe two.
To conclude, I went out to the lounge to meet the guy, had a good time, the malibu and coke's were very nice, and it was all good. He's very supportive of me, and just like all my DE "peeps" are willing to be there for me. He lost his father the same year I lost mine, so he can really sympathize with me.
Anyway...
I had a weird dream a few nights ago. And it is not attributed to pudding pops.
It took place in my apt in NYC, but the layout was different. My father was in my dream, he wasn't resurrected, even though I knew he was dead, it just seemed completely natural for him to be there. In my apt, we have a backyard - it's more like a back-jungle. It is way overgrown, we should have flagstone pathways, but it's just an ocean of ivy. The evergreens that were planted there 25 years ago, are now almost 4 stories tall, but they are very thin, not full. Looks a little decrepid, honestly. And, most importantly, our fence, which separates our backyard from the backyard of the apartment building next to us, has fallen.
In my dream, my father went out back and pushed the fence upright, and it fixed everything. The backyard was then HUGE, rolling green fields, and the sun shone on the grass, and it got warm, and it was amazing. There was also a new addition to my backyard - apparantly an offshoot of the main ground, we had a small dining area that was surrounded by 2 neighbors houses (somehow we were now living in a country area, not in the city) and I met my neighbors. It was time to fix the pipes, and I turned to my mother, and asked her what we should do, if I sound get the same plumber as our neighbors, so he could coordinate... it was odd.
Then of course, on my walk through our huge backyard, I noticed there was an entrance to a dungeon halfway down on the right side.
Sigh. Back to my uneventful day.
