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It took 7 months....
Jul. 25th, 2004 11:39 pmToday, I had my first 'cry.'
It started getting tense this morning, the buildup was awful. I hurt, I was full and uncomfortable, I felt like my eyes were about to empty but nothing came. I balled my fists, and dug my nails into my palm.... still nothing. I only had some coffee for breakfast and no real appetite.
The boy (my boyfriend) and I were scheduled to meet with friends tonight for some games, and I was acting very melancholy. My boyfriend thought something was wrong, worried that it was something abut us, or him, or other.... but even I didn't even know why I was so upset. I was just purely miserable and it was leaking out in front of him and our friends. I was skipping the dinner that was made for the group, and was not talking, laughing, or anything. I was ignoring everything I could so I could focus on the inane chatter on the TV.
I then got a hug and some words of generic comfort for my obvious distress from one friend and it began. I needed to leave the room. No place downstairs was safe, and upstairs was limited. I thought I could just take five minutes in the bathroom... and I don't know... but that 5min ended up to be at least an hour. It started with one tear... two... three... then the corners of my mouth drew back as I tried to hold in the sobbing so as not to draw attention from those below.
I don't know how long I was up there... I had sunk onto the floor, deeply heaving, and tears streaming down my face. My ears were hot, and my nose was stuffy... I was trying desperately to stifle my cries. After some time, a knock comes on the door... I ignore it... a while later again, a knock, and some words asking to come in and see if I was okay. It was hard to hear, because I turned on the fan to help drown myself out.
Eventually, I let the boy in... and he joined me on the floor and just hugged me. He held me and rocked me gently back and forth, taking care to stroke my hair, and grasp my shoulders as his arms wrapped around me. It was safe, and nice... but no replacement. I explained why the tears were coming down and he stayed with me until I was well enough to return to the group. He was even nice enough to go ahead of me and make the disclaimer to everyone not to ask if I was okay... for if they did... the water works would surely start up again.
The rest of the night was still melancholy but not desperate. I held up.
It has been just over 7 months since my mom died, and this is the first time I have really cried since her funeral. It's a start.
x-posted in momlessdaughters
It started getting tense this morning, the buildup was awful. I hurt, I was full and uncomfortable, I felt like my eyes were about to empty but nothing came. I balled my fists, and dug my nails into my palm.... still nothing. I only had some coffee for breakfast and no real appetite.
The boy (my boyfriend) and I were scheduled to meet with friends tonight for some games, and I was acting very melancholy. My boyfriend thought something was wrong, worried that it was something abut us, or him, or other.... but even I didn't even know why I was so upset. I was just purely miserable and it was leaking out in front of him and our friends. I was skipping the dinner that was made for the group, and was not talking, laughing, or anything. I was ignoring everything I could so I could focus on the inane chatter on the TV.
I then got a hug and some words of generic comfort for my obvious distress from one friend and it began. I needed to leave the room. No place downstairs was safe, and upstairs was limited. I thought I could just take five minutes in the bathroom... and I don't know... but that 5min ended up to be at least an hour. It started with one tear... two... three... then the corners of my mouth drew back as I tried to hold in the sobbing so as not to draw attention from those below.
I don't know how long I was up there... I had sunk onto the floor, deeply heaving, and tears streaming down my face. My ears were hot, and my nose was stuffy... I was trying desperately to stifle my cries. After some time, a knock comes on the door... I ignore it... a while later again, a knock, and some words asking to come in and see if I was okay. It was hard to hear, because I turned on the fan to help drown myself out.
Eventually, I let the boy in... and he joined me on the floor and just hugged me. He held me and rocked me gently back and forth, taking care to stroke my hair, and grasp my shoulders as his arms wrapped around me. It was safe, and nice... but no replacement. I explained why the tears were coming down and he stayed with me until I was well enough to return to the group. He was even nice enough to go ahead of me and make the disclaimer to everyone not to ask if I was okay... for if they did... the water works would surely start up again.
The rest of the night was still melancholy but not desperate. I held up.
It has been just over 7 months since my mom died, and this is the first time I have really cried since her funeral. It's a start.
x-posted in momlessdaughters
