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Acute Senses
Sep. 12th, 2003 10:51 pmI'm watching her carefully. I find myself constantly looking back at her making sure I can see her chest rise and fall ever so slightly. When she's not crying, it's hard to sense she's there. The crying is painful, some hideous cross between regret, pain, and sadness. It's a soft whimper. Maybe I'm projecting the tone that I'm sensing from her cries. I'm the one who feels regret, pain, fear...
It reminds me almost of her crying when my father died. A wolf howling at the moon - but this wolf also sounds injured.
There are moments where I imagine my aloneness. It scares me. I took care of something important today - I am completely paid off on my credit card. Absolute Zero Balance. One weight off my shoulders, now I'll just worry about the joint cards my mother and I hold. I still need to close out the rest of my affairs with the former apartment, and be sure that my mail is being forewarded and get some papers notarized. I can't even find the damned papers! The lawyers refuse to reissue them to me, they say "it's not done." Fuck.
I still hate my job. Well, hate is a strong word. I detest the ethics of my coworkers. One woman who I thought was a nimrod, well, she and I are getting along very well. Now she's only a minor nimrod. Maybe not a nimrod. Maybe just this isn't shouldn't be her career. Not that it's mine.
Anyway... she's still breathing. I still check on her. I wonder, if she dies at home, will I be there? How long before I'd call someone? Would I be able to sleep in my own house that night? or would it be too painful?
It reminds me almost of her crying when my father died. A wolf howling at the moon - but this wolf also sounds injured.
There are moments where I imagine my aloneness. It scares me. I took care of something important today - I am completely paid off on my credit card. Absolute Zero Balance. One weight off my shoulders, now I'll just worry about the joint cards my mother and I hold. I still need to close out the rest of my affairs with the former apartment, and be sure that my mail is being forewarded and get some papers notarized. I can't even find the damned papers! The lawyers refuse to reissue them to me, they say "it's not done." Fuck.
I still hate my job. Well, hate is a strong word. I detest the ethics of my coworkers. One woman who I thought was a nimrod, well, she and I are getting along very well. Now she's only a minor nimrod. Maybe not a nimrod. Maybe just this isn't shouldn't be her career. Not that it's mine.
Anyway... she's still breathing. I still check on her. I wonder, if she dies at home, will I be there? How long before I'd call someone? Would I be able to sleep in my own house that night? or would it be too painful?
