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Winding Down?
Oct. 21st, 2003 01:29 pmWe visited the oncologist the other day, he is so uninspiring. He's the chief of OB-GYN Oncology, and is listed as one of the bes MDs... but he has the worst bedside manner.
He took every opportunity to say "Nothing will cure you. You understand?"
"We can use hormones to control the cancer, but it won't cure you."
"You can /try/ to call Yale about their study, but I'm sure it won't cure you."
I think my mother is ready to "talk" now. Today we're doing a lot of paperwork-finding, and she's starting to make a list of things that need to be taken care of.
I still hate my office, and I am thinking that I may need to take a leave of absence so I can figure all this out. But, here's the catch - as I understand it, if the LOA is too long, I'll need to be "rehired." My current performance is still OK by NY standards, but abysmal by DE ones. I am trying to make things more home-y at work, which may improve my performance. I'm fixing up the free office to my standards, and bring a little cheery something to make me feel better.
My cousin made an incredibly offensive suggestion to me - that I talk to Empire and get a degree evaluated by my life experiences... I may as well kill myself now if I get that type of diploma. I WILL finish school.
I want to quit my life. Monetarily, I theoretically could afford to not work and finish school. The way things look - my mother will die before my grandmother. At that point, do I even have the sanity reserved to deal with her INsanity? I feel like such a bad person, wanting to avoid her. She barely knows who I am anymore, so if I'm out of her life, and only taking care of her from a managerial standpoint, would it make much of a difference?
Furthermore, what am I to do with my apt? Can I stand to live here alone? I had thought about offering my friend in NY to share it, but would that really work? I can't ask my mother for pre-permission, it would offend her. So I guess that would have to be a grown up decision to come later.
More selfish stuff: I had been mulling around in my head what to bury her in - and I know she has a favorite suit from Hong Kong, and she's lost enough weight from cancer, that she can probably wear it again. But I like that suit, not that I necessarily would wear it, but part of me would want to keep it for sentimental reasons.
My dialogs here run like streams of consciousness.
I'm all cried out now. I'm sure I'll be writing here by the end of the night though.
He took every opportunity to say "Nothing will cure you. You understand?"
"We can use hormones to control the cancer, but it won't cure you."
"You can /try/ to call Yale about their study, but I'm sure it won't cure you."
I think my mother is ready to "talk" now. Today we're doing a lot of paperwork-finding, and she's starting to make a list of things that need to be taken care of.
I still hate my office, and I am thinking that I may need to take a leave of absence so I can figure all this out. But, here's the catch - as I understand it, if the LOA is too long, I'll need to be "rehired." My current performance is still OK by NY standards, but abysmal by DE ones. I am trying to make things more home-y at work, which may improve my performance. I'm fixing up the free office to my standards, and bring a little cheery something to make me feel better.
My cousin made an incredibly offensive suggestion to me - that I talk to Empire and get a degree evaluated by my life experiences... I may as well kill myself now if I get that type of diploma. I WILL finish school.
I want to quit my life. Monetarily, I theoretically could afford to not work and finish school. The way things look - my mother will die before my grandmother. At that point, do I even have the sanity reserved to deal with her INsanity? I feel like such a bad person, wanting to avoid her. She barely knows who I am anymore, so if I'm out of her life, and only taking care of her from a managerial standpoint, would it make much of a difference?
Furthermore, what am I to do with my apt? Can I stand to live here alone? I had thought about offering my friend in NY to share it, but would that really work? I can't ask my mother for pre-permission, it would offend her. So I guess that would have to be a grown up decision to come later.
More selfish stuff: I had been mulling around in my head what to bury her in - and I know she has a favorite suit from Hong Kong, and she's lost enough weight from cancer, that she can probably wear it again. But I like that suit, not that I necessarily would wear it, but part of me would want to keep it for sentimental reasons.
My dialogs here run like streams of consciousness.
I'm all cried out now. I'm sure I'll be writing here by the end of the night though.
